Finding Love. In 2007, I hadn't even been thinking about finding love, but she found me <3 If you haven't already figured it out, I guess now would be a good time to let you know that I am gay. I've known that I was a lesbian since I was 19 years old. HOWEVER, at about that time, I began trying to find acceptance in a new church family, a very conservative church family, I might add. Like I said, I KNEW, but I was terribly afraid of what others (especially my mother and family, and church family) would think. On several occasions, I sat my parents (mother and step-father) down and told them that I thought that I was a lesbian, and they were somewhat supportive, but thought that this, like everything else in my life, was just a phase. I would always call the next day and tell them that I, in fact, was NOT a lesbian, and was sorry I had worried them. And, I had confided in a few of my church "friends" that I was struggling with being a lesbian and they always suggested that I basically "pray the gay away"...many of them even prayed very hard with me and for me. When I would tell them that I was still thinking I was a lesbian and it wasn't going away, they just told me to pray harder. Not any acceptance there. I went to that church for seven long years, and finally left in 2007 because I just didn't want to go anymore, and didn't want to have to "pray away the gay" anymore. But I still knew I was going to Hell because of my feelings and thoughts. A "friend" of mine, who had left the church, too, was becoming my very best friend and I talked with her every day. She was the only friend I had now that I had left the church. She was going to another church, and when I confided in her many times that I was gay and didn't know what to do, she suggested I talk with her new pastor. He told me about this organization called Exodus International, where gay people attend meetings, have counseling, and essentially actually do "pray the gay away" and become "ex-gay". This is my answer, I thought. I complied and started counseling with one of the leaders in a group near where I lived (an ex-gay himself, who was now "happily" married with four kids). The counseling went on for the summer of 2007, and then he asked me if I wanted to join their "Living Waters" program, where you study the scriptures of the Bible, meet with people, and pray that God would take away your "sin". Once again, I complied and went to the first meeting in the basement of a house that Exodus owned. Almost immediately, I saw a very pretty woman, and felt attracted to her! I thought "Well, this sure isn't going to work". I left there, and never went back, but I still knew that I was going to Hell. I just didn't know what to do with these feelings.
So, I definitely wasn't looking to fall in love, much less with another woman. In the fall of 2007, I was working at Target as a cashier, and Stacey kept coming in to see the friends that she used to work with who still worked there. She kept coming through my line, and tells me that she was definitely attracted to me and wanted to get to know me better. In December, she came through my line and gave me a note that said that she wanted to be my friend, and wrote her phone number on the paper so I could give her a call. I did call her later that day and we went on our first "date" the next day. Only, I didn't know that it was a date. She really liked me, and I was so oblivious to that fact (and scared of me actually being a lesbian), that I just brushed her off when she asked if she could hang out with me again or call me. I was totally freaking out!
To make a long story shorter, we ended up moving in together after dating for four months, and we were engaged after eight and a half months of dating. I had to work through SO much shit about me being a lesbian and being in love with another woman, and had SO much anxiety, craziness and Bipolar everything happening then, but Stacey stood by my side, and as she says "always saw the good in me", and helped me work through everything. I was mean. I yelled. I threw things. I went from zero to sixty in about two seconds. I was super anxious and couldn't even eat sometimes. I stopped working because I was searing in pain and would freak out every time I had to deal with anything other than my anxiety. I pushed both of us to our limits. I did terrible things. I apologized all the time, and then did the same thing again. Then I apologized again. It was horrible. Simply horrible. But she stayed. She loved me, and I loved her, and that's all we knew. We broke up so many times and then got back together. We just knew that we couldn't live without eachother. So, I worked through all of my stuff with her help, and we got married on December 6, 2009. But, my Bipolar had gotten really bad. I kept working on it, Stacey kept staying and her unfailing and unconditional love is the main reason I am who I am today.
We have been together for over five years, and been married for over three, and we are happier now than we've ever been before!
I will leave you with all three of these posts (I know I rambled), and write more about how I actually live well with Bipolar (the whole reason for this blog!) at another time. Hope you enjoyed my history... :)
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