Oy.

Most people, including myself, would say that I am normal and happy 99.9% of the time.  But there are days, like today, when I am frustrated and a bit upset.

There aren't many of these days lately (thank God!), but there still are some.  I was having a pretty good day today until I went to see my psychiatrist.  He is a very nice, smart man. I will say that.  And I actually like him, which is tough for many people to say about their psychiatrists, I'm sure.  But, Dr. M, we'll call him, is so unbelievably slow that I can't stand it sometimes.

I have been seeing Dr. M for almost 3 years which, sad for me to admit, is the longest time I've ever been with any one psychiatrist.  He is a character, but then so am I, so we work pretty well together. 

Dr. M recently moved offices.  Well technically I moved where I see him.  I used to see him at his office right down the street from where I live, but he decided not to see patients there anymore, and he has two other offices, so he suggested that I go to one of his other ones if I still wanted to see him.  And I do.  He's a very good doctor, and he's funny and we get along well.  But sometimes he annoys me so much that all I can say is "oy".  And I'm not Jewish.

He was very slow today, and was in some sort of mood, and not only did I not get called back until 30 minutes after my scheduled appointment, but I was also in his office for an hour.  I've never, ever been in his office for that long.  He was fixing my chart, then fiddling around on the computer, asking me questions here and there, staring at me oddly, sticking his tongue out at me, and saying weird things to me for so much of the time that I finally said (when he still had his tongue out) "Seriously?! Can you stop looking at me like that?!  You're giving me a complex!"  So he smiled and went on to do something else.

Last time I went to see him (which was my first time at his new office), he was strange, but not as bad, so I just didn't do much talking and just fidgeted a lot until the visit was over.  I just wanted to get out of there because he was frustrating me and being weird then, too. 

Today, he left my chart open and left the room to tell the office people something, so I casually glanced at what he had written about me last time. (I know we're not supposed to do that, but I figured 'what the hell, it's MY chart.')  He had written that I told him I was good, but that he observed that I was anxious and irritable. 

It bothers me that as a psychiatric patient (which I will always be because I have Bipolar and it isn't going away anytime soon), I am more judged by my actions than a person with a medical illness.  There is a reason why I seemed anxious and irritable last time.  It was HIM!  He was being crazy, and so I was didn't speak much and was fidgety.  But, he didn't write that, did he?!  I can only imagine what he'll write about me after today!  LOL

As a person with a mental illness, I feel judged most of the time by people that know that I have Bipolar.  But I shouldn't be.  Most aspects of myself are NOT a result of me having Bipolar.  Sometimes I am fidgety.  I ALWAYS like to do things quickly.  Most of the time, I want everything done my way (don't we all?).  Sometimes I say things I shouldn't say (speak my mind).  And I am almost always loud and sometimes obnoxious.  But most of those have absolutley NOTHING to do with me having Bipolar.  Those are just aspects of my personality.  And they should be taken as such.  Like when I am really happy, I don't want people to think that I'm hypo-manic and need to be "dealt with" or some other phrase people use.  Can't a girl just be happy sometimes?  And when I'm having a bad day or become easily frustrated or upset, I'm not depressed.  I'm just frustrated or upset.  These are normal human emotions.  And they should be taken as such.

My doctor knows that if I am terribly depressed, I will check myself into the hospital to keep myself safe.  We have an agreement, and I have done that once before.  And I really do feel like he "gets" me.  Even though he is a crazy ass.

So I have questions for all of you with mental illnesses, or who know someone with a mental illness. 

How do YOU get along with your mental health professionals, namely psychiatrist or therapist?

And, do YOU ever feel like people judge you for simply having a normal emotion, like I described above?